I decided when I was a kid that there were only so much space in my brain for memories so I taught myself selective memory at an early stage; retaining only what I wanted and discarding the rest by pressing ‘delete’ on my temples. It has been working miraculously well until I come to realize, at the age of 39, that there’s a void in this complex system of brain anatomy; as if I was being knocked unconscious and could hardly remember who I was upon waking up. Hence, I recently made a resolution to fill up the emptiness by creating more ‘oneness’ moments like the first time my beloved held my hand…it was electrifying yet so warm and so familiar…
Technology advancement certainly brings us things you wouldn’t have imagined possible but Botox? Plastic surgery? Potions for longevity? I must admit that I am not particularly excited about each passing birthday as the number does hurt a bit. However, I choose quality to quantity and I honestly don’t mind dying (relatively) young as long as I live each moment with full consciousness; knowing that I am making a positive impact on someone’s life. Old age and Death are part of the deal and this is the only way to reunite with the deceased.
Do I keep pictures? I used to imagine enlarging pictures of myself into wallpaper when I was in my prime but I am now taking pictures of still life; the astounding scenery of faraway places, the masterpieces hanging up in museums, colorful comics which I don’t have a talent for, and handmade gifts from my students. I prefer collecting others’ talents and forte and the abundant free gifts from Mother Earth to seeing myself posing on photos; which is gradually and inevitably losing the luster from the fountain of youth. The moon and the stars are now my only witnesses and I thank them for being my safety deposit box and my life album.
I never knew I could love again; after all the pain and suffering from innumerable rejection, countless break-ups, so much loss, so much heart-breaking, so much betrayal…but I realized I do love those who are no longer my friends, my partners, or anyone who once mattered in my life. I know because I still remember their touch, their smell, their hugs, their voice, their differences (leading up to most final encounters), and all the nitty gritty bits and pieces which have long gone. I no longer miss their presence only to wish them well from the bottom of my heart. This is LOVE, isn’t it?
- Rosa Wong
Click here for more of Rosa's posts.