Spirited Woman Blogger Team

A Friend is Always There

My husband Arthur and I spent last weekend with visiting friends, one of whom I had not seen for several years. The moment I embraced her at the airport, I knew that the time that had passed was a mere blip on the screen of life. We immediately took up where we had left off.

The morning after she left, I found myself thinking about another friend I had not spoken to in several months. I felt that pang of guilt, and made a mental note to call her.  Minutes later, voilà, -- my cell phone rang. You know who it was.

We quickly caught up on the comings and goings of each other's lives and settled into the familiar. When I hung up the phone, I wondered to myself  why I feel such angst when I miss a special person, versus smiling at the memory -- then acting.

Have you procrastinated calling or writing a friend because it's been too long and you're embarrassed about it? Maybe you missed acknowledging her birthday or a son's graduation and are feeling just a little guilty.

Here's one thing I know for sure, spirited women. If it's a real friendship, reconnecting can only bring joy. The time that passed is irrelevant. Some friends are with us consistently during periods of our lives. Others appear at just the right time to serve some simple or profound purpose.

True friendship is a free flow of give and take. If you're called to connect and energized when considering  it, act. She will be there. If the thought of doing so drains you, let it go. Either way, allow no guilt, none at all.

“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh?" he whispered.

"Yes, Piglet?"

"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's hand. "I just wanted to be sure of you.”

― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Andrea Chilcote, www.morningstarventures.com, www.erikshope.com
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A Transformative Ear

I'm heading home after just completing a two day workshop, "Strategic Coaching," for a group of high potential, mid-level leaders at a client company. Last night at dinner I described the work to a friend. She said "Andrea, I wish I had those 'coaching' tools you teach. Just about everyone I know is going through some kind of transition or trauma, and it would be helpful to know how to respond to them in some way that's effective, versus hours of endless talk that goes nowhere. We all need these tools in everyday life."

As I thought about her very valid request, I recalled one of the curiosities of human nature. We want to lean on friends and confidantes when times are tough, but we rarely accept advice. We love to ask, and then habitually respond with all of the reason the advice won't work.

So how do you actually influence or transform situations, instead of engaging in hours-long or months-long conversations that eventually sap your very life force?  Here are a few suggestions.

Reframe intense emotions by reflecting them.
It doesn't work to use logic or facts to "calm" a situation when the other person is agitated and expressing feelings, especially intense feelings. I use a tool called "reflecting," to align first:
"I hear that you're frustrated when ..."
"I can see that you feel angry when ..."

These statements allow the other person to feel heard, and thus more able to hear what you have to say next. It's counter-productive to say "I understand." You don't, really.

You can follow with a transition question that will enable you to re-focus the conversation:

 "Can we step back and look at the situation objectively?"
"Let's think through some possible options."

(Another) Gratitude Prayer

Many times I have written of my gratitude for a blessed life. Tonight, as I am full (and very tired) from a week of good work, good friends and good fortune, it's all I have left to share.

At the risk of being repetitive, I wish to offer my prayers of gratitude to you today as catalysts for your own. It doesn't matter if this has been a tough week or an easy one, a full and rich expression of life or a rather dilute or convoluted one. It's my belief we all have something to be grateful for, and in expressing that feeling we draw more of it in.

Here is my list. Add to it as you wish, or create three new items as I did.

1. I am grateful for the open minds and hearts my clients brought to our work this week. In what way (large or small) did your work open a small window for someone?
2. I appreciate the small kindnesses I was shown in the midst of a busy schedule. What small kindness were you offered (or did you have the honor of contributing)?
3. Tonight I am warmed with gratitude for the kind people who help me rescue another death row husky. And I'm even thankful in advance for all the help I'll get with her.

Is there something you did this week that felt exhausting but necessary? Look for the gifts that were given to you along the way.

Spirited women, I will sleep more soundly tonight having acknowledged this small yet important grace. If you are feeling anxiety, stress  or even simple weariness, try gratitude as an elixir. It just might give you the boost you need.

Andrea Chilcote, www.morningstarventures.com, www.erikshope.com
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Playful Flight

One morning this week, as we were leaving our driveway for a hike with the dogs, I noticed a raven flying overhead, breakfast prey hanging from his beak. I wondered to myself what lesson he had in store.

"Good morning Grandpa." I greeted him as I often do, with the name I've come to use since meeting a raven up close in the Grand Canyon many years ago.  "Grandpa" is a bit like Santa Claus. Even though there are many of them, I pretend each one I see is the same bird.

As we walked, I continued to notice Grandpa flying nearby, and smiled at the company. Having these companion birds along on our hikes is a fairly common occurrence, and there are natural explanations. Ravens and crows are known to serve as messengers to warn small animals of impending danger, calling out their cautionary sounds as they fly. It makes sense that they would warn the desert animals of our arrival, as we hike with two large wolf-like dogs, a Husky and a Malamute.

The other possibility lies in the simple fact that there is a long-standing synergy between ravens and wolves. There is much documented evidence of ravens and wolves hunting together in a symbiotic relationship. And surprisingly, their bond often includes play, with the birds dipping and soaring amongst dancing wolves after a successful hunt.

On this day, I felt sure the bird was calling us to join the social activities of its congress. As if to confirm my intuition, others began to gather. By the time we were completing the last quarter of our loop hike, we counted 10 ravens. They flew along as we walked, landing intermittently on high tree branches to allow us to count them before moving ahead.

Ravens are said to symbolize magic. In his classic book Animal Speak, Ted Andrews says raven teach us how to go into the dark and bring forth light. He says wolf teach us to breathe new life into our life rituals.

It's always a bit too easy for me to allow the stresses of a busy life to hijack my focus. One of the reasons I hike the dogs each day I'm at home in Arizona is that I get a brief connection with nature in a way that's playful and physical. And even so, I sometimes miss the magic for the heaviness at hand.

Spirited women, we all bring forth light when we lighten up in social ways. Consider the gifts of raven and wolf as you interact within your families, teams and communities. Temper work with play, and magic just might take flight.

It appears that the wolf and the raven have reached an adjustment in their relationships such that each creature is rewarded in some way by the presence of the other and that each is fully aware of the other's capabilities. The Wolf: The Ecology and Behaviour of an Endangered Species, Dr. L. David Mech

Andrea Chilcote, www.morningstarventures.com, www.erikshope.com
Click here for more of Andrea's posts.

My Connection Timed Out

This week we have seen the perfect storm in our three-person office. Two new computers with Windows 8 (I liken that to learning an ancient foreign language if you have not yet experienced it), an ill-fated email server conversion, an "upgrade" by our internet service provider -- and much to do that is dependent on technology. I won't mention the common printer jams and such (oh, I guess I just did).

"Your settings are not holding."
"We are experiencing password failures."
"Access denied. You do not have administrative privileges."
"Your connection has timed out."

I came to wonder if the confounding pre-programmed messages from our technology providers were nothing more than metaphors for life. And then I got the one-day flu.

That's not a joke. This week I managed to squeeze into 24 hours, chills, fever, severe body aches and even a cough. It came and then it vanished. I know that's odd, but it's what happened. The message was confirmed -- my connection had timed out.

I often advocate self care. It's usually a reminder to myself as much as it is a message for you, spirited women. Lately, I have been tipping the scales in the wrong direction, and I got a warning sign. Fortunately my psyche as well as my immune system were aligned and I received just that -- a warning.

The minor annoyances of life and work can conspire to produce real stress. Yet when we lose touch with the reality of what they really are (annoyances), and connect with them in a way that allows them to expand into something they're not (real problems), life has a way of re-setting the controls.

Today I learned of a friend who lost her beloved mother. She wrote that when life became a whirlwind for her, her mom encouraged her to "stop and smell the roses." That was good advice.

If your connection with things beyond your control has "timed-out," take a breath and consider what's worth your precious energy. Connect with someone you love, with nature, with art, music or any passion you hold. It will give you the stamina to deal with those computer messages, and it just might prevent the flu.

Andrea Chilcote, www.morningstarventures.com, www.erikshope.com
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Choose Peace

One of the things I do is help people find common ground even when they are, at their core, very different. The differences can be a result of social, political, or religious viewpoints or they can be hardwired as personality traits. It's my belief that this diversity is an asset when its respected and welcomed, and it is a barrier to peace, progress, and productivity when it is not embraced. Of course, there's no shortage of work to be done.

On the day of the Boston bombings, a friend wrote on his Facebook page of his dismay that while he grew up in a gray world, it appears we have become so "black and white" in our mindsets. He lamented the absence of compromise and tolerance.

As I read his post and watched the news, I thought about the core need we have to be with those of like mind and heart. It's no secret that we seek and are more at ease with those who share our interests and views. There's something very comforting to me about spending time with cherished old friends with common goals, and I'm invigorated in work and in life by those with whom I share values and beliefs. This week I have enjoyed both immensely, and I treasure the experiences.

For me, this human need for connection with those like us has never appeared to be in conflict with tolerance. While of course I have no idea of the true motive of the bombing perpetrators, the events of the week, my friend's post and my own daily observations have me wondering to myself whether the pendulum has swung. Those who have crossed over the line engage in outright violence. But I see many others so bereft of connection that they lash out in insidious violence, not that which is illegal or life-threatening, but violent still. Are we becoming so polarized that we cannot consider compromise or commonality of any sort? For healthy individuals, blatant condemnation is a choice.

Spirited women, I challenge you to a practice I intend to embrace this week. Practice peace.

I know it sounds cliché. Yet cliché results from empty words. Practice requires action, however small the step. I vow to hold my tongue when a criticism arises. Take a breath when I'm impatient. Ask a question before I draw a firm conclusion.

We feel powerless when large scale violence occurs around us. Choice is powerful. We can take back our power moment by moment, simply by choosing peace.

Andrea Chilcote, www.morningstarventures.com, www.erikshope.com
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Closer to Fine

For most of this year, I've been feeling like an Indigo Girl -- closer to fine.

And I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
There's more than one answer to these questions... and the less I seek my source for some definitive...
Closer I am to fine

Seriously, while I will seek to learn and thus grow until the day I die, my fifties (early fifties mind you), have freed me to admit I have gained some wisdom from the journey and am more or less comfortable with who I am.

And this is why I was stunned when I discovered Brene Brown. A research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, she has spent the past decade studying vulnerability, courage, worthiness, and shame. Her 2010 TEDx Houston talk on the power of vulnerability is one of the most watched talks on TED.com, with over 8 million views.

I am no more than a third of the way through Brown's current book, New York Times bestseller, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Yet  a few key sound bites have haunted me in the week since I downloaded the book to my Kindle.

Damn vulnerability. Is it not enough that I bare my heart and soul here, spirited women? Not quite, I realize as I type the words. Brown writes: "Rather than sitting on the sidelines and hurling judgment and advice, we must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen."

I'm not just "closer to fine." I am fine, today. And tomorrow I have an opportunity to show up with even more courage and authenticity. Right now I am weary although joyful about the opportunity. Stay tuned for the stories.

Andrea Chilcote, www.morningstarventures.com, www.erikshope.com
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Faith

Last week I wrote about Ease and the preponderance of everyday miracles. And I have written many times of the power that managing our thoughts and feelings has on the outcomes we achieve. I strive to walk my talk, and on some days I’m more successful at doing so than on others. Putting forth the effort and energy to maintain the resonance of what we desire, vs. dwelling on what appears to be a negative circumstance takes focus – and faith. Here’s a short story for illustration.

I own and operate a very small business. A few weeks ago, an employee of 15 years resigned to pursue an offer that utilizes her many years of experience, and at the same time allows her to do new things in an area that is important in her life. I was and am truly happy for her, and yet my first thought was a very emphatic “Yikes!”  Her work here is mission critical, and we are (as is true most of the time) in the middle of a critical project. And the role requires a unique skill set.

On the morning she gave notice three weeks ago, I was immediately aware that I had a choice. I could allow myself to feel stress, and thus create a stressful condition. Or I could view the situation as one more opportunity to see and seek the opening door vs. dwell on the one that was closing. I chose the former.

Armed with a positive vision, I went into motion. I sent a brief description of the role to several trusted friends, and began making a plan for transition activities. Even though I was busy without this added task, time seemed to expand to allow for it all.

As I write this post, I sit across the room from my new employee who is spending her first day with me. She was the first to inquire about the job, and the only person I interviewed. Seemingly out of nowhere, the apparent perfect person materialized.

Since the day she magically appeared, I have had moments in which I’ve second guessed the synchronicity. But I’ve managed to banish those thoughts as my very real due diligence (interviews, references and skill assessments) has proven, once again, that it doesn’t have to be hard to be right.

Spirited women, if there is a burden you bear at this moment, you know intellectually that your thoughts and feelings about it are conspiring to determine the outcome. Shifting the energy that you carry requires discipline. It also requires faith. Faith is the burden-carrier, releasing the mind from over-analysis and fueling the effort required to take right action. Let it go, and watch what happens next.

Andrea Chilcote, www.morningstarventures.com, www.erikshope.com
Click here for more of Andrea's posts.

Ease

Every now and then, things just fall into place. It starts with some initial incident (large or seemingly insignificant), a sequence of events ensues, and before you know it I am looking back, saying “Thank heavens that worked out.” Or, more often lately, I just smile at what appears to be an everyday miracle.

Those of us (that’s me and some of you, spirited women) who have lived life as if it was a challenge to be reckoned with, find “ease” a bit odd. And, the drivers in the recesses of our psyches that cause us to seek that which is difficult or even impossible scream for attention.

Ignore them. They know not the damage they might cause.

Yesterday I met with a friend who, like me, tends to be compelled to take on the most challenging endeavors. In part, it’s an effort to feel acknowledged for having accomplished enough. In this situation, my friend was presented with one of those everyday miracles as an option alongside another difficult choice. Should she choose the heavy yet attractive option, her very future lay in the balance. She could gamble and win, though the odds were against that. Or she could choose the more peaceful and balanced opportunity.

Looking at this with a sort of distanced perspective (as much as I can distance myself from something I relate to so well), I can see that following one’s heart is the prevailing principle. Those gnawing messages that cause us to pause and stop the refrain of over-analysis deserve attention.

Apparent miracles beget others – if we acknowledge them. I’m choosing ease, and I’ll let you know what happens next.

Andrea Chilcote, www.morningstarventures.com, www.erikshope.com
Click here for more of Andrea's posts.

Good Vibrations

Remember the Beach Boy’s song Good Vibrations? My favorite part was the refrain: Gotta keep those lovin’ good vibrations a happenin’ with you.

If you’ve been following my posts for the last few months, you’ve noticed a theme. Since the beginning of the year I’ve focused on managing my thoughts and staying present, and the practice, while imperfect, has been enlightening.

Every now and then, somewhat counter to my natural style, I get organized. This week I’m organizing my “good vibrations,” and I thought I’d share an insight here, along with some really good news.

In one post connected to that theme, I suggested that thoughts are prayers, directing the flow of apparently coincidental circumstances. In another related post, I told the story of my own passionate thoughts and feelings about a young Siberian Husky born without kneecaps and needing very expensive surgery to survive. Through that story, I hoped to inspire all of you to find feelings of compassion for something meaningful that you can affect in a small way vs. feeling sorry or helpless in a world that seems to have no shortage of tragedy.

I’m thrilled to report that the angels at Alley’s Rescued Angels in Los Angeles raised enough funds for the pup’s surgery and it was performed last week. Just one week later he is walking proudly, tail wagging, and has a bright future ahead.

I am certain that the loving thoughts, prayers and well wishes from around the world played a significant role. Literally, caring individuals rallied in an effort to share the story and raise money. But maybe even more importantly, all of the loving thoughts served as healing medicine. You need only review Larry Dossey’s amazing work to know that is truth.