Spirited Woman Blogger Team

When the Time Comes...

It’s fascinating how sometimes life experiences can be so similar… Last weekend, my husband and I met some dear friends for dinner at a local restaurant. We hadn’t seen each other for several months, so it was the perfect opportunity to catch up.

We all are part of that “sandwich generation” where we’ve just pushed the kids out of the nest, only to find similar responsibilities or time commitments to our elderly parents.  Mike and Katherine actually gave up their own home and moved in with Katherine’s near 90-year-old parents about 45 miles away from Mike’s office.

The stress of their situation was evident as they shared the downward spiral for both parent’s health.  Frequent falls and bouts of borderline dementia are taking a toll, and just after we ordered dinner, Katherine received a call from her dad that he had fallen and was unable to pick himself up.  The restaurant was wonderful in accommodating our request for their dinner to go, and the two hurried off to see to her dad.

Likewise, we also visited with my “second” set of parents, Ben and Rita. I lived with them during a college summer and they’ve become dear family friends.  Rita has been diagnosed with Parkinson’s and over the last year, the disease has become noticeable.  Now her legs are starting to fail, and the two had to cancel a highly-anticipated trip to Europe because it was uncertain that Rita would be able to travel that distance.

Unlike Mike and Katherine’s parents, Ben and Rita downsized into a one-level condo when Rita was diagnosed.  But for Rita, it’s not home.  She feels as though she was forced into moving, which is true, but she still struggles with what this condo means – it is a constant reminder that her body is failing and she is helpless to do anything about it.

My own parents show no intention of giving up their large home and refuse to move to Florida to retire.  It’s not “home.” It’s not where their friends or doctors are. They’d have to find new grocery stores, dentists and the like, and at 80 years old, that’s a bit overwhelming.

Eventually, all of us sandwich generationals will be forced to make difficult decisions. It was evident to Larry and me that Katherine’s parents need to be in an assisted living environment but they don’t want to go, and she doesn’t have the heart to force them.  Ben and Rita will face a similar quandary in few years when her body gives out and Ben cannot take care of her.  My own mom has begged my father to downsize, but the only way he’ll leave that house is in a pine box…

It’s a tough situation – give up the homes that hold our memories, that are familiar, serve as a grounding force and represent their independence.  My 91-year-old aunt finally gave up her home of 40 years last fall. When she asked us about it, my response was, “Why spend your energy taking care of things when you could enjoy time with friends and family?”  She is having a ball and doesn’t regret one minute of her move, despite the tough emotional battle to let go.

It appears to be human nature to hold on to what we know or are familiar with when we are uncertain of the past… The French poet Guillaume Apollinaire has a beautiful quote on this, “Come to the edge, he said.  They said, we are afraid. Come to the edge, he said.  They came. He pushed them…and they flew.”

It is said that home is where the heart is. When the time comes, will you fly?

Allison Blankenship, http://www.allisonspeaks.com,  http://www.UpsideTheBook.com
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Giving it Up to Gain it All

By all accounts, Tom Shadyac had it made as an in-demand Hollywood director living in a 17,000 square foot house and flying on private jets. Shadyac’s movies such as Ace Ventura, Nutty Professor, Evan Almighty, and Liar, Liar grossed more than $1 billion worldwide. In 2007 he suffered post-concussion syndrome after a near-fatal bicycle accident which gave him severe headaches. This led him to re-evaluate his life and his extreme wealth.

So, seven years ago, he traded in the sports cars, private jet and Hollywood mansion for a modest home on the beach and a bicycle. As he started giving away his possessions and money, the better he felt. According to Shadyac, “The return was so much greater than what I gave away.”  He donated money to open a homeless shelter, plus other charities that protect the environment and animals. Shadyac believes that material accumulation is what weighs us down from discovering our true calling and purpose. “It’s a trapping – we call it the spoils of success for a reason.”
 
CBS This Morning chronicled Shadyac in a story about his new book, Life’s Operating Manual, that asks readers to question what is the purpose and calling of life. His story reminds me of another favorite, The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari by Robin Sharma. It’s a short read with a similar topic about fulfilling your dreams and reaching your destiny. The common thread in both books in how much the authors gained by letting go of the “must haves” in their lives.

It’s an interesting and timely question for me personally right now. I feel a huge desire to “SHED” as Julie Morgenstern calls it. It would be wonderful to spend less time taking care of things and more time spending time with people. But I’m stuck – possibly overwhelmed is a better description.  Where does one start the process of giving away what is no longer needed or wanted?  How do you determine what is really necessary to live with and enjoy a quality life?  Our own Nancy Mills is  a master at this and discovered her calling to create the Spirited Woman community when she streamlined her life.

Some motivational speakers have put this eternal question to a 5-second quiz – variations include if your house was on fire, what/who would you save or if you were going down in an airplane crash, what would your final message be to your loved ones?  OK, those answers are fairly easy and have to deal with how much we care about others.  My challenge is making the transition to living daily without the distraction of “stuff.”

Does anyone have an idea on where to start?  How do we begin living the concept that both authors promote – giving away the unnecessary in order to find clarity and focus on what you truly came to accomplish?  Please post your suggestions, strategies and best practices – perhaps you’ll “gain” from helping out your Spirited Woman sisters!

Allison Blankenship, http://www.allisonspeaks.com,  http://www.UpsideTheBook.com
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Spring Cleaning for the Soul

The arrival of spring is often bittersweet for me – I adore the new growth and pop-your-eyes-out green of new leaves and flowers, but for my husband and I, it’s also the time to transition from one community to another. It’s hard to leave behind friends and family, even though another set of friends and family wait…

Eight years ago, my husband and I bought a second home in my native Alabama to be closer to my aging parents. It’s a joy to be back among favorite traditions such as college football, fried green tomatoes and shrimp with grits. We plan to eventually retire back in Naples, FL where our children and businesses are, but for now, we enjoy weekends and holidays with my family.

The problem with spring is spring cleaning – double duty spring cleaning in our case. Before leaving Florida, we try to put the condo in order with new AC filters, freshly vacuumed drapes and no sign of cat hair in the carpet. Then, after driving 12 hours with pets in tow, we open up the house in Alabama. It’s a lot of detail work.

Such was the case on Monday.  We drove all day Sunday, unpacked the car and the cats, only to begin putting miscellaneous supplies away.  Monday found us cleaning off inches of thick green pollen that those lovely spring buds bring – for five and a half hours!  By the time our gym class rolled around, neither my husband nor I could straighten our backs, although our downstairs porch sparkles like new.

Did I mention I am not a detail person?  Unlike so many of my friends, I do not find joy in dirt, real or accumulated.  Many colleagues wax on about the wonders of gardening but it leaves me flat. So does cleaning screens, oiling teak patio furniture and wiping out cobwebs.  But…I must say that while the process does not enthrall me, the end result makes my heart sing.

I certainly don’t describe myself as organized, but I am clean, so there is something about a room without dust, shoes, cat hair or empty wine bottles that puts my soul to rest.  I thought of that several times during the second cleaning marathon Monday – how much I will enjoy relaxing on my wonderful, spring-cleaned screened porch.  For those of you who enjoy lists, here’s a great site to make sure you’ve covered all the bases. 

There are many areas of life where we don’t enjoy the process but love the outcome – it’s a spring cleaning for the soul if you will. What parts of your life do you occasionally need to clean out?  What are the benefits or payouts?  How do you feel when you’ve finished the task?

A little soul searching, or spiritual spring cleaning, can be cathartic. In her ground breaking book, Simple Abundance, Sarah Ban Breathnach approaches cleaning out closets and cabinets as a life-shaping quest to let go of the past and be present in the moment.  What’s waiting for you this spring to put your mind to it and burst out like new blooms and renew your spirit?

Allison Blankenship, http://www.allisonspeaks.com,  http://www.UpsideTheBook.com
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Stop Waiting on Tomorrow

May is a big month in our household – both my husband and I have birthdays and it’s also our wedding anniversary.  I know, I should have planned better but that’s the way the timing worked out…

This particular May is significant as my husband is having one of the “decade” birthdays.  Those birthdays start out exciting until you get about midway, then they start to shift your perspective on life.  You start to see the window of opportunity shrinking.  Oh sure, there’s plenty of possibility left, it’s just not the same ones you had in your 20s, 30s and 40s.  Plus, your physical self is diminishing as well, so your energy investment differs.

This mindset is definitely having an impact – Larry is motivated to start pursuing some of our bucket list activities, so in August, we are visiting Ireland and England.  We were so excited – and then the horrific events in Boston occurred.  Rather than put me in a place of fear and feeling unsafe, the bombing made me really start thinking about how fragile life truly is.

We take so much for granted. We put off so much believing that there is plenty of time to make a relationship right, pursue that passion or just stop and enjoy the sunset.  My dad’s been going through chemo for the last few months and while I talk to him every few days, I’ve only gone back home once.  I need to stop thinking that I have time to see him tomorrow.

But I want this sense of urgency to live life fully to come from power, not pain or fear of loss.  If I could raise my children again, I would instill the confidence to be proactive in every aspect.  I would encourage them to see every day as a beautiful, amazing gift and to wake up with joy every morning.  Of course, we make choices and need to be accountable for our decisions and responsibilities, but to wait for tomorrow to be happy or to love is foolish.

There’s a little rhyme that you’ve probably heard – “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift – that’s why we call it the present.”  Make the pledge to stop waiting for tomorrow.  Tomorrow is a promise but today is a sure bet…

Allison Blankenship, http://www.allisonspeaks.com,  http://www.UpsideTheBook.com
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What’s Your Relationship Ratio?

This May marks the 19th wedding anniversary for my husband and me, and quite frankly, I’m a little surprised… Before I married Larry, the longest dating relationship I had was about 6 months. The most serious boyfriend was 2 years but it was long-distance and off and on every six months.

I really struggled in early relationships – originally trying to please the other person at the risk of my own happiness took a toll.  Then my career took off and many men were not happy to play second fiddle. Finally, I searched for a mate that would treat me as a full partner and equal.  So to be married for 19 years is an amazing feat for which I am grateful.

Our marriage and relationship has been quite the roller coaster ride.  I met Larry just after his divorce and we dated for two full years before marrying.  He brought two small children, an ex-wife and in-laws to the table while I was laid off thanks to a corporate merger.  I have to give the man credit – life has never been dull!

There were times, months actually, where I was ready to throw in the towel and go live in a nunnery.  But…at the end of the day, there isn’t anyone else I want to be with. I see myself growing old with this man, which is quickly becoming a reality!  Most importantly, I enjoy spending time with Larry – we are at the very core, best friends.

That doesn’t mean that we agree or like the other person on a daily basis.  He does not “complete” me – there are times I am frustrated that we can’t discuss certain issues or scenarios because it’s just not something he relates to.  That’s why our female friends are so important in our lives.  As much as I love the guy, my girlfriends “get” me in a way no man can.

So the other night at dinner with younger friends, the topic of a relationship ratio, or percentage, came up.  Our friend has a divorce attorney as a client who shared the optimum percentage when wondering if a relationship will work. According to the attorney, it’s 80%.  If you get along with another person at least 80% of the time, it’s a workable relationship as she believes you’ll rarely have more than that percentage.  We laughed as the other couple gave each other marks of 99.9 and 100%.  Larry and I simply looked at each other and inquired, “which day?” when asked to rate ourselves, and laughed again.

The 80% concept has me thinking about not just romantic relationships but friendships and family ties, too. The ones that work tend to fall in that range; others that are a struggle seem to fall short.  I particularly like her concept that expecting to get more than 80% is unrealistic – given the stress of life, families and work, an 80% satisfaction rate is an attainable goal.  (Our young friends who rated each other so highly have no children, pets or aging parents.)

Think about the friends and loved ones in your life, and then rate your satisfaction with that person or relationship from 1-100.  If it’s 80 or above, it’s a keeper; if not, maybe it’s time for a little spring cleaning of the soul…

Allison Blankenship, http://www.allisonspeaks.com,  http://www.UpsideTheBook.com
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Cinderella Goes to the Ball

You might have noticed that there’s a fierce sports competition going on called “March Madness.”

If somehow you missed it, you’re going to love this story…Southwest Florida has been my home now for 22 years – hard to believe!  When I moved to Naples, FL, Walmart and Home Depot had just been built and residents feared that their sleepy fishing village (population  40,000) was going too commercial. As a young professional moving down from Atlanta (population 4 million at the time), those two stores were lifesaver.

One of my former jobs was working in public relations for an amazing group of women, Gravina Smith  & Associates.  We were tasked with the job of creating potential names for a new state university coming to Fort Myers.  It only seemed natural to adopt the beautiful blue and green landscape of the Gulf Coast and assign it to what would become Florida Gulf Coast University. That was more than 18 years ago…

Fast forward to present day and FGCU, who only became a Division 1 sports team last year, found itself in the NCAA playoffs, aka March Madness.  It was story to love – an unknown, small town, young university took down a Goliath of a program when they upset Georgetown in their first playoff game.  The FGCU players, like their eagle mascot, seemingly flew through the air to dunk ball after ball in basket after basket.  Overnight, FGCU became the university from “Dunk City,” FL.

FGCU made history as the first 15^th-seeded team to break into the Sweet 16 Playoffs.  Unfortunately, they lost last Friday night to their own state rival, the University of Florida. But that’s not really the point – just like Cinderella, they got to go to the Ball when no one even thought they could dance…

When’s the last time that happened to you?  An unexpected fortune came your way?  An effort you really worked hard on paid off, against the odds?  In short, you were asked to the dance…

An opportunity appeared for me not long ago – I have no idea how it happened either.  A company I’ve tried to work with for seven years, to no avail, suddenly called me!  I feel like Cinderella and you better believe I am doing all I can to make sure the Ball is a success…

These Cinderella moments are magical.  They take our breath away and fill us with hope.  Of course we all want to find that “prince charming” whether it’s a client, friend or a sale.  Don’t let pursuing the prince ruin being in the moment for you – enjoy every second and relish the opportunity to “dance like no one’s looking…”

Allison Blankenship, http://www.allisonspeaks.com,  http://www.UpsideTheBook.com
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Making the Transition

This week is a holy week for both Jews and Christians, a time of reflection, loss, transition and redemption.

So when two of my dear friends lost loved ones over the last few days, it caused me to pause and think.  Both deaths were not unexpected and both individuals lived long and productive lives. While their passing was definitely a blessing, it was bittersweet for those left behind.

When I consider the next stage of phase of my life, or after life, I always think of my dear departed father in law, Bob.  He’d already had four quadruple bypasses when I met him, so we knew his heart health was challenged.  My husband and I saw the end before it came – the overwhelming exhaustion, pallor, loss of appetite – and sure enough, we received word that Bob’s heart was enlarged and his systems failing.

My husband was at his dad’s side when Bob made the final transition. What is so remarkable about Bob’s passing is the peace he portrayed.  After being resuscitated once, doctors warned that Bob’s system was too fragile to undergo another rescue. They recommended letting nature take its due course.

Bob was surprisingly okay with this.  He told my husband not to worry; he had faith in where he would “end up” and to let him go when the time came.  That time came all too quickly.  24 hours later, as a second heart attack occurred, Bob sat on his bed, smiled, and told his family, “Here I go…”

After almost 10 years, this story still makes me cry – the sheer beauty of Bob’s faith and calm as he faced the greatest unknown is inspiring.  As I reflect on the holiness of this week, I wonder if I will have the courage to let go of this life when my time comes, to embrace the unknown with hope and promise.  Most of all, I wonder if I have done enough to enrich this world and the lives of my loved ones.

And so, as this week progresses, may you find peace and blessing in the comfort of your family, friends and loved ones. We all make the final transition sooner or later – the key is to trust Spirit to take us where we need to go...

Allison Blankenship, http://www.allisonspeaks.com,  http://www.UpsideTheBook.com
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Which Way are You Leaning?

There’s been much debate over Sheryl Sandberg’s new book, Lean In. Sandberg is the COO of Facebook, and I’ve been a fan since viewing her TED Talk from 2010 about women in leadership - it has more than two million views, so I can’t be the only one.

So the uproar early reviews of Lean In attracted was a bit surprising. Let me disclose that I have not read the full book, only excerpts and reviews, but totally look forward to reading the full text.  From what I have seen, Sandberg does acknowledge that the business system is not conducive to women’s choices and then she commits the mortal sin of suggesting that women play a role in holding themselves back due to internal barriers and beliefs.  Her critics have raged that Sandberg is “privileged” with domestic help and childcare, therefor she is not qualified to suggest that her life is the same as a working single parent.

No, her life is not the same and that’s not the point.  Sandberg is very upfront about her own self-doubt and lack of confidence as a young girl growing up.  She claims to be “lucky” that others saw her potential and nurtured it. And now as she mentors women, she is hearing some of the same concerns and doubts that she experienced. She has witnessed women “leaning back” instead of forward to take on leadership roles. Many women lean back because they are concerned about how leaning in may impact a relationship or family.

What about you? Which way do you lean?  My experience has been the same as Sandberg’s in that there were times I was eager to lean in – and other times to opt out.  Both decisions come with consequences and that is the conversation we should really be having with each other.

My own decision to lean back came right after a reorganization in the company I madly, passionately loved – still do.  Unfortunately, the reorg eliminated my position and the company did offer me a similar role at two other locations, just not where I happened to live. The problem? I was also madly passionately in love with a single father who could not move away from his two young children.  Our relationship was serious and I knew this was “the one.”  I opted to lean back, left the company and ultimately married a wonderful man.  Interestingly enough, my future husband never asked me to stay on his behalf – it was totally my decision.

Did it set me back professionally?  It certainly sent me down a different path with unexpected outcomes. I have not accomplished the goals I dreamed I would and for many years that bothered me – until I came to the realization that my choices to spend time with my family are just that – mine. No one forced me to stay, get married or make sacrifices for my family. It was my decision.  And, it was a decision that my husband probably would not have made.  I’m okay with that, too.

Magic in the Moonlight

The southwest edge of Florida is a unique gem, and one most people don’t know much about beyond the beautiful white sand beaches. Drive inland a few miles from Naples, FL and you’ll see the only sub-tropical climate zone in North America, also known as the Everglades or “River of Grass” as the Seminole Indians called it.

The ecosystem here is very unique and just like a desert, unless you know exactly what you’re looking at, you might miss the magnificence of Mother Nature. Nestled amidst the swampy grasslands is Corkscrew Swamp Sanctuary, an Audubon refuge for wildlife. The 13,000 acre preserve is home to the largest stand of ancient Bald Cypress trees, some older than 500 years – that means the trees were here when Columbus discovered America…

Corkscrew features a 2.25 mile boardwalk where visitors can see endangered species such as American Wood Stork plus hundreds of alligators, white-tailed deer, barred owls and red-bellied turtles in their natural environment.  The pristine sanctuary is so tranquil and untouched that you wonder if a dinosaur is going to lumber around the bend at any moment. Corkscrew is a breathtaking glimpse of our world before mass development.

So, when we learned about a unique outing a few weeks ago, my husband Larry and I jumped at the chance. Normally, the sanctuary closes at dusk but one night a month, special after-hours tours are offered to experience the boardwalk in its natural state by moonlight only.  The only words to describe it are truly magical.

Imagine a world of gentle shadows, chirping crickets, glowing lightening bugs and moonlight illuminating a path and you are close.  Add the cacophony of frogs and a few barred owls calling and you are almost there.  With the night scent of blooming jasmine and ginger, the picture is complete, bathed in a tranquility that transcends the stresses of the day.

Part of the tour is guided by an Audubon naturalist, and then you are left to revel in the moonlight on your own.  Getting lost is a bonus! We took a turn off the boardwalk and found ourselves at an observation deck, complete with a guide to explain the area terrain and set us back on the path to civilization.  When we did return to the Blair Nature Center, high-powered telescopes were set up to view craters of the moon plus the four moons of Jupiter.

Some experiences have a long-lasting impact, and our moonlight tour is certainly one for us. Over the last two weeks, when Larry and I reminisce back to the peaceful evening, it has a calming effect.  There is something spiritual in experiencing a world that was here long before us, and hopefully will be here long after we are gone.  It reminds us that all of life is cycle, and to appreciate the time we have in our own.

Allison Blankenship, http://www.allisonspeaks.com,  http://www.UpsideTheBook.com
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Enjoying the Blooms

This is the final post in Allison's inspirational three-part series.

After graduation, my “would-be” honorary founders and I scattered to pursue dreams and hopes to improve the lives of the people we loved.  Several women married shortly after college, some later.  Many of us ended up in places different than planned in our 20s but all achieved success, either professionally or personally or both.

Not long after I spoke to the Women’s Leadership Institute at Auburn, an invitation arrived to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the Cater Society.  The group didn’t ring a bell but after visiting the website, I was impressed by the caliber of women chosen.

Then one day an email arrived from my friend Laura – Laura had been the president of our initial group back in 1982 when we jokingly called ourselves Hearts.  To our delight and surprise, the current Cater Society at Auburn initiated our original charter 10 years after our first attempt.  The same Cater Society that sent the earlier invitation had successfully mentored outstanding senior women (and men!) for 20 years – we were stunned!  Best of all, the current group wanted to meet the “founders.”

During the first weekend of February, 6 of the original 9 founders met at Lake Martin along with 14 of the 15 present Cater Society class.  These young women are smart, incredibly giving and committed to mentoring future members. We were blown away by both their generous spirits and obvious talents.  Prior to our meeting, not one of the founders had any idea that this group had grown from the seeds planted so long ago…

Before graduating, the founders tapped another group of women to carry on the mission of establishing the Cater Society.  They, too, failed to gain approval from the university and the story thread was lost.  Somehow, in 1992, our original charter was submitted and approved – and a new generation of developing and honoring leadership began.

The present Cater Society is very low key – the young women are not seeking recognition as a group. They often help sponsor campus events but prefer to work behind the scenes.  The group meets regularly to share, support and mentor each other.  Their hopes are to create an alumni network that graduating members may tap into as they move into full-time careers.

After meeting these amazing young women, my soul was truly moved.  It was a little like an early “judgment day” in that I was granted a sneak peek at how our early efforts are now having a positive impact for 300+ women since 1992.  To be credited as a founder is humbling, and an honor none of us ever dreamed would come to fruition.  There is a part of my heart that is healed, and although the early scars still remain, the ache is gone, replaced by pride and a little bit of awe for these strong, captivating Cater women.

Those early seeds, cast upon stones, found a way to grow into beautiful blooms through perseverance and persistence.  Somewhere, Dean Katherine Cater must be smiling…

Allison Blankenship, http://www.allisonspeaks.com,  http://www.UpsideTheBook.com
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