Spirited Woman Blogger Team

My Parents are Golden - My Brother and I Are More Like Recycled Tin Foil. And That’s On a Good Day.

Some people say that being a "real" adult is signified by buying your first couch, thus no longer being able to easily stuff all your belongings into the back of your car to move on to the next adventure. While there's no doubt that was a defining moment for me, seeing my parents as fellow human beings was my entry ticket into the adult world. No longer were they all-knowing. Neither were they completely clueless. They were just two people shaped by their own experiences, hopes and fears.

Mardi Link, writing My Parents are Golden (My Brother and I Are More Like Recycled Tin Foil. And That’s On a Good Day), takes a hard, often hilarious, look at her own parents (and parenting). Read on to see if it strikes a chord with you. Molly

Recently, my parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. To mark the day, they invited a hundred friends and family members to cruise Michigan’s Saginaw Bay in an open-air tour boat, and then head over to their church for a chicken dinner. The event was fitting for two active people in their seventies who have an ideal marriage, are ideal parents, and who have achieved their vision of the American Dream. Together, they have good health, financial security, a propensity toward good deeds, and, no kidding, good looks.

While I watched the two of them stand united on the gangplank and greet the odd assortment of guests – their sailing friends, our frail Aunt Eunice, their Lutheran pastor and his wife, the cousin with the leftist political T-shirt – I wondered what happened to my brother and me. With parents like these, how could we have gone so wrong? Between us we have three marriages (one common-law), two divorces, two DUIs, five kids, a propensity toward beer and/or vodka and/or marijuana, two bad credit ratings, and a history of disconnected telephones. What the hell?

I asked my brother about this when I went to the tiny old trailer park where he lives with his guns and his new girlfriend. I was there to pick them up – he and his girlfriend, not the guns – and give them a ride to the anniversary party because neither has a valid driver’s license. In a random attack of bad luck, within the past week each of them had been stopped by a small town cop, each had been ticketed for driving with an expired license, and each had their expired license re-taken away. Under the threat of jail now, they weren’t driving. When I got out of my mini-van at the trailer park, an old man without shoes or a shirt pointed at me and yelled, “Hey! She ain’t from in here!” Must have been the new skirt from Talbots that alarmed him. Black, with little pink flowers. I flip him off. “Just because I don’t live here, buddy, doesn’t mean I don’t belong.” He sat back down in his broken lawn chair, appeased.

“Not everyone can be like them,” my brother tells me, once I’m safely inside the bosom of his doublewide. “Not everyone wants to be.” For the first time, it occurs to me that he’s okay with this. He’s okay with the continental drift of difference between our parents’ lifestyle and his own. I, on the other hand, am not.

Guest Blogger - Sadia Qazi - The Wings of the Butterfly

Sadia Qazi, a young woman in Pakistan, came to my attention because she left a comment on our Spirited Woman Blog that literally made me weep, the writing was that beautiful and heartfelt. I asked her if she would write a series of guest blogs for us having no idea of her enormous struggles - even though I recognized her unstoppable spirit. This is the first in her series of three. After losing everything, she came to realize she had everything. Nancy Mills

In life, the best of our hope is our inner-strength. When all the odds are against us, it is vital to keep our spirits agile and vivacious. And we are in the midst of a constant battle in our lives whether that is financial security or relationship knots.

Two years back, it was the first year of my marriage and I went on living with my husband in the small city of Nowshehra, Pakistan. It was the monsoon and the day of my birthday when the water barricades fell down and the city was engulfed by the fifteen feet high water flood.

The horrors of the drowning houses and being rescued were enough to give nightmares. The verve of water left us with nothing. The house with all our belongings was dust and mud. I had collected pretty dresses and decorating items and households for the start of a new home, my new life. But nothing was left and that was a time to start the life from scratch again.

My husband was distraught at the grave reality but no one understood the very concept of starting from  scratch literally. I knew I had to step up. I didn’t shed a tear because I knew I have to be strong. My husband, who was never willing to let me be a working woman, helped me set up my little fashion designing venture. I initiated with customized orders and designing for various freelance graphic projects.

The strength in me was my faith. I had believed that there is no problem greater than we can bear and I can make it.

My inspiration and source of vigor was a small incident. Earlier, the day of the flood it all occurred. I saw a butterfly in my garden fluttering its wings trying to move forward despite the harsh winds. It moved forward and was shoved back many paces by the wind. It mustered its resolve and moved forward again. I watched it until the butterfly flew off the backyard.

Traveling Shoes

Europe is for walkers, so packing the right shoes is essential. Right for me means chic, comfortable, and inconspicuous.

Of course I want to look chic; I’m in Europe this month. But I do come down a few notches from Jimmy Choo in favor of comfort. Europeans and East Asians can wear their spiked heels on cobblestones, but not this traveler. And knock me down a few more pegs for subtlety. Americans are identified by their shoes—so I’d rather be inconspicuous than alerting pickpockets.

Here’s the conundrum: how do you find one pair of shoes that ticks all three boxes? I don’t know, so I’m conducting an unscientific survey this week to find sensible footwear.

Prague is a good place to assess travelin’ shoes because the city is overrun with tourists. On day one I looked out my window as the warm sun shone down on sundresses and sandals, so I did my inaugural neighborhood tour in cute, strappy sandals. Chic, yes, but comfortable, no. The soles were so thin my feet felt bruised.

I took a break at a sidewalk café in the Old Town Square, the perfect place for foot-watching. Young female tourists - most of whom got the memo - sported colorful, low-profile Converse All-Stars. Chic and comfortable. Others got by (I hope) without arch support in college flip flops, wafer-thin sandals, or ballerinas.

As I sat, I noticed that women grow practical by their 30s and 40. The locals, as well as my traveling friends, prefer wedges. If you don’t worry about turning an ankle, that’s the way to be chic and cushioned on the uneven pavement—day and night (tick, tick, and tick).

Other women in this age group wore fashionable Sketchers or the new streamlined Birkenstocks. I used to love Birkenstocks - so high on comfort, chic became irrelevant. But one day a DEA guy told me that on a drug bust, agents know they are raiding the right house if the suspects are wearing Birkenstocks. So immediately I said, bye-bye, Birkenstocks—was I too hasty?

Women over 50, from all countries, cling to the big, clunky sneakers—and what’s up with white? Despite their comfort, this is a footwear faux pas. I’ve heard Europeans snicker, "Look what Americans did to fashion." Yet when older women stuff their feet into Bata style sandals, it hurts me to look at them, and I wish they had the courage to go Nike.

I meet the sneaker need for the long hauls with a more subtle Merrell hiking shoe. As I trekked to the Charles Bridge the other day, I saw lots of Merrells - none on locals and many on men. I had hoped these would be the in shoe - they’re expensive enough - but The Survey Says: women prefer wedges.

In the spirit of good sense over ego, I’ll stick with my Merrells—if my feet are happy, I’m happy.

I just won’t look down.

- Nancy Adair  nancyadair2002@yahoo.com
Click here to read more of Nancy's posts.

The Future is Now

Last week, I had the honor of speaking to a group of young women training to become better leaders in their communities and future businesses.

Organized by the Women’s Leadership Institute at Auburn University, 30 women in undergrad and graduate programs joined together to identify solutions to the common challenges their organizations and communities face.

It was an impressive team and having spent just a day with them, I have great confidence in our upcoming women leaders. Six states and 12 universities were represented; each candidate was nominated, invited to apply and then carefully vetted. These women are the best that the best have to offer – and it showed.

The candidates are women working in outreach programs to mentor young elementary girls to break out of poverty; women pioneering in pharmacy to ensure safe dosage and procedures for the aging; women in law school focused on bringing equity to the workplace; and women in law enforcement representing those who have no voice.  They are women of passion, spirit and courage. They represent our past, present and most importantly, future.

The luncheon speaker for the day set the tone and raised the bar for this ambitious group. Lilly Ledbetter shared her courageous story of fighting for equal wages against a corporate giant, Goodyear Tire & Rubber Company. The case went all the way to the Supreme Court, and even though Ms. Ledbetter lost, Congress established the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act in 2009 in an attempt to equalize gender pay disparities. It was the first bill signed by President Obama when he took office.  Not too shabby for a woman from Possum Trot, Alabama.

And that is the entire point – anything is possible when you have a clear direction and the skills to get there. The outcome may not be what you expected, but your leadership makes a difference and impacts the people around you. These women experienced many of these skills hands-on during an intensive, 4-day leadership program. They are the hopes and joys and dreams of our future – and that future is now.

- Allison Blankenship, http://www.allisonspeaks.com,  http://www.UpsideTheBook.com
Click here to read more of Allison's posts.

 

Femmes Fatales

China’s three thousand years of history has produced numerous femmes fatales. These beautiful, talented and scheming females are referred to as "Sketeton Women" because they could, with a mere blink of their mascaraed eyes, turn men into skeletons.

In the course of history, Skeleton Women could be society ladies, courtesans, concubines, movie stars, spies, even empresses. They could steal hearts, husbands, state secrets, and, sometimes, the dragon throne itself.

What made these women so powerful and succcessful in a patriarchal society? It was beauty, talent, a scheming mind - and total ruthlessness. The most notorious skeleton women in all of Chinese history was Empress Wu, who was the first woman in China to officially assume the emperor’s title of Huangdi. At thirteen, Wu was selected to be a concubine and entered the imperial palace. The then empress wanted to find a concubine – the emperor had as many as three thousand  – who could seduce her husband to distract him from Consort Xiao, the empress’ bitterest rival. For Wu this was the perfect opportunity to scheme her way to the throne. She bewitched the emperor with her beauty, intelligence, knowledge of politics, and of course, art of the bed chamber.

As  she rose to power, not only did Wu murder both the empress and Consort Xiao, it was rumored that she even killed her own daughter as part of a successful scheme to frame the empress so as to turn the emperor against her. She exiled one of her own sons and even killed another one.

Even the most cunning man can become a fool for a beautiful woman. Friends warnings fall on death ears. Men blind themselves to the schemes behind the pretty face and the poisons in the beloved heart.
When clothes come off, thinking stops.

That’s why the thousand year old meiren ji, beauty strategy, or honey trap, though simple in principle, is timeless in effectiveness in destroying powerful men and toppling governments.
 
Mingmei Yip’s fourth novel Skeleton Women (coming out today May 29 by Kensington Books) is the story of a singer/spy, a magician, and a gossip columnist, all scheming to survive the gang wars in the 30s, lawless Shanghai.

Congratulations on your new book Mingmei from your fans at Spirited Woman!

Mingmei Yip, http://www.mingmeiyip.com
Click here to read more of Mingmei's posts.

Decisions, Decisions

I am very fortunate to have two loyal, affectionate and well-behaved dogs, a lab-cross flat-coat called Wellington and a labradoodle called Reuben. Apart from willingly going for a walk any time I need inspiration or hit writer's block, my dogs present an amazing opportunity to study and think about the very nature of consciousness.

Just think for a minute what decisions they have to make each day. For the vast majority of the day, they ’decide’ which dog bed to slumber upon. If a stranger comes to the door, they have to assess if they are friendly or whether they are a potential threat. Of course, it is them, not me, who really ’decide’ when it's time for a walk or to be fed. Who wouldn't want to reincarnate as a labrador in a friendly, loving home? A dog in some parts of the world who might be on the menu of course has a whole different set of choices.

From when we awaken until we retire to bed, we too have to make a bewildering array of decisions. Most we do completely unconsciously.

We can all drive from home to work or the local store without much conscious input. What would happen if you consciously decided to take a back route? You might also decide to drive at a more leisurely pace or even stop somewhere on route? What might you see and encounter that you simply drove right past before?

Perhaps what differentiates us from the animal kingdom is the level of choice conferred upon us by possessing self-awareness and free-will.

So when you awaken, you don't have to check your emails or switch on the breakfast news. You could meditate, go for a walk or, as I am, write your weekly blog for Spirited Woman before doing anything else. Incidentally,  after six months of regular blogging, we can all have enough material for the first draft of a book. Just imagine what doors publishing a book will make for you and what decisions you will then be faced with that weren't open to you before.

Acts From the Heart - Inspired Action

I just returned from lunch with a dynamic woman who I admire greatly. She owns and manages a thriving business, juggling multiple priorities in work and life. Her secret? The relationships she builds and nurtures.

I‘m fascinated by how she makes time to do the things she does to build trusting, sometimes life-long bonds with customers, vendors and employees, (not to mention while caring for an active family and supporting philanthropic interests). She does the small yet high-impact things I think about yet often don’t follow through on. She forges personal connections by genuinely acknowledging the trials and triumphs of her colleagues’ multi-faceted lives.

Whether it’s a piece of welcome information or advice contained in an otherwise mundane email, or a greeting card celebrating a small accomplishment or sharing compassion, my friend takes inspired action. It’s inspired because she has true empathy and concern for those her business touches. It’s not a technique … it comes from the heart. If you’ve ever had the urge or feeling to offer comfort or congratulate, but either shied away or gotten too busy, take a lesson from Jane. She feels the need, then acts. Impeccably.

Here’s the real secret. This woman knows, instinctively and with absolute congruence, how to balance her desire to nurture and care for those around her with getting her own needs met. She is absolutely transparent -- who you see is who you get. She passionately and candidly shares her stretch goals and desire for growth. Her approach is the very definition of win-win, and, once again, it’s not a technique. It’s who she is.

And guess what? Like begets like, and others strive to help her. Jane has an army of people committed to her business’ mission that aren’t on her payroll. And there are smaller benefits too. When the inevitable minor problems of business life occur, the “funds” in the relationship bank serve as a comforting cushion, and no one overreacts.

So many people ask for help, yet have no cushion from which to draw in the relationship bank. Others give without considering their own needs, rendering those needs unmet and success elusive. One without the other is unproductive.
 
It’s no longer a secret spirited women. Act from the heart. Share of yourself openly while declaring what you too want and need. You might be surprised at what follows.

Andrea Chilcote, www.morningstarventures.com, www.erikshope.com
Click here for more of Andrea's posts.

Phamily Phun

This weekend we spent an afternoon with my husband's relatives, who live in Sacramento but hardly ever come over this way. It was quite pleasant -- lunch in Mill Valley, followed by several hours roaming around the beautiful little waterfront towns of Tiburon and Belvedere.

At 52 Beach Road in Belvedere, the four of us walked right into a bit of history when we stepped over the threshold of the China Cabin. It was originally called a "Social Saloon," and was part of the S.S. China, a side-wheeled steamer built in 1866 to carry mail and passengers from San Francisco to Asia. In 1879, the ship became obsolete because of its wooden hull and was burned for scrap metal. Fortunately, the China Cabin was saved. The interior has been beautifully restored, with 22-karat leaf, walnut woodwork, cut-glass floral window panes, and brass chandeliers, and the Cabin has been designated a Living History Landmark.  Great fun to experience, and a wonderful venue for taking pictures.

As we chatted with Ed's stepsister on Sunday, it was interesting for me to hear more about their growing-up years in Florida. Then my brother-in-law chimed in with his insights into the family's history, quirks, and dynamics. I realized what I've been missing, this sharing of family funny stories and secrets. There's an easy naturalness when you're with family; you kind of slip into a comfortable zone, because no matter what is revealed, hey, it's OK - you're one of us!

Ed and I get together only rarely - perhaps once or twice a year - with family members. Most of them live in farflung places and just don't get to the Bay Area often. And when we travel, family get-togethers are usually not our destination.

I grew up as an only child as I wrote in my blog post Only Child. My parents and I lived in Ohio; the nearest relatives on my mother's side lived in Boston, and on my father's side, in Iowa. So, to me, being around family was something out of the ordinary. I can remember one or two family reunions over the decades, but I can rarely recall sitting down at a holiday dinner with aunts, uncles, and cousins.

So this was fun on Sunday, being part of family for an afternoon. But, Linda being Linda, I was really happiest when I returned home and could be by myself again.

Linda Jay Geldens, www.LindaJayGeldens.com
Click here for more of Linda's posts.

Two Writers, One Poignant Connection

One in every eight women in the U.S. will get breast cancer some point in their life. Despite the millions of dollars consumers spend on pink ribbon products, the numbers of women being diagnosed are not going down (though the survival rate has improved). This week's story from Knowing Pains: Women on Love, Sex and Work in our 40s honors those women who have battled their diagnosis for decades. Written by Robin Dougherty, it is about two women who bond through their battle, who represent the changes in treatments over the generations.

I encourage you to check out Breast Cancer Action, the non-profit we support through sales of Knowing Pains. They are the only breast cancer non-profit to really serve as a watchdog agency, representing patients and focusing on prevention. The new movie, Pink Ribbons, Inc., tells the story of "pinkwashing," using pink ribbons to sell products that in many cases have ingredients with that may actually cause breast cancer. If you're in San Francisco May 31st, consider coming to the movie screening. I'll be there and would love to meet you!

I am interviewing Susan Sontag when the conversation takes a sharp turn. We are speaking by phone about her new book, and then suddenly we are talking about my breast cancer.

Earlier that day my oncologist had reminded me that Sontag is also a breast cancer survivor. At first, it hadn't seemed appropriate to discuss this. It has nothing to do with her book.

So how did it come up?

Sontag was talking about the disconnect between her experience in a war zone and the lack of response from the rest of the world, the way people could watch something on TV and not take in that this horror was part of life for people just like themselves. When she'd leave the war zone and go to London or New York for a respite, people would ask her if she felt her life was in danger. What was the war like? It was as if the bombing they saw nightly on TV was taking place in another galaxy.

I see an opening. "It's startling how people, confronted with information, don't take in the reality," I say. "It reminds me of how I would tell friends I was in chemotherapy, that I had no energy, that I had been throwing up. And still, sometimes, they would not grasp that I could not go out to dinner with them."

Jerusalem - A Place for Spirited Women Curious About the World

Last week the Mayor of Jerusalem was on Morning Joe encouraging people to visit the Holy City because there’s a lot to see and the economy is booming. It’s one of the few areas of the developed world that missed the economic slowdown. Jerusalem often defies the odds and may well be the most significant city in history.

During my first visit in 2006, I was tentative, a little nervous, actually. Israel doesn’t exactly get the best press. But since then I have visited nine times, and here’s how I now see it: if you want to fully understand the news, politics and religion, if you want to be a well informed voter, it sure helps to know Jerusalem.

It won’t take you long to realize that Israelis are museum design experts. After visiting the Tower of David Museum, the fantastic Dead Sea Scroll Museum in town, or the displays at Masadah on the Dead Sea, your understanding of world history will mushroom. One fascinating tour takes people below the Western Wall, where Jewish pilgrims are ecstatic to stand before the Holy of Holies, the site of the Ark of the Covenant.

But keep in mind that Jerusalem’s walled city is not a museum. It is a dynamic microcosm of the world’s complexities with its four distinct Quarters—Muslim, Christian, Armenian, and Jewish. And people actually live, work, pray, and attend school there.

Friday is a good day for people watching as each religion practices a holy rite. You can feel the history and culture throughout the day.

On Friday morning Muslims close up shop and attend mosque. You will hear the call to prayer from the Al-Aqsa Mosque next to the golden Dome of the Rocken. At three o’clock Christians trace the footsteps of Jesus through the stations of the cross as priests speaking many languages lead them over the ancient cobblestones of the Via Delarosa to the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, the presumed site of the crucifixion and resurrection. Closer to sunset, Jewish families walk through the city toward the Western Wall. Everyone is dressed well. Most alluring are the Hasidic men in their traditional coats, vests and round fur hats.

One suggestion for Fridays—avoid the crushing human traffic jams in the narrow lanes. Your body can actually get stuck.

On other days, reserve plenty of time to wander from quarter to quarter, to look, listen, taste, and take note.  Each neighborhood is unique.

So as not to waste time in taxi’s, I stay as close to the action as possible, either inside the wall at the lean but clean Ecce Homo Convent,  or outside the Jaffa Gate at the classic but simple YMCA (which serves hot delicious meals--even during Shabbat), or at the exclusive David Citadel.

I'd love to know your Spirited Woman experiences here. Please leave a comment.

- Nancy Adair  nancyadair2002@yahoo.com
Click here to read more of Nancy's posts.